Seeing beyond tomorrow (March2015)
04:07This is a blog I posted nearly a year ago about my struggle with depression. I just wanted to share this again for people who might be feeling the way I felt. Please feel free to share.
"Lately a few people have come out and told their story about having depression. The bravery of those people has given me the courage to tell mine.
People who know me will know a lot about me but not everything. Looking in I probably to some people, have a fairly comfy life. Always had it handy. I guess they would be right in a way. I have been blessed with a lot of things. So why did that scary word "depression" come knocking on my door...
It all started back in 2006. I was 15. I woke up one morning feeling down and out. I just put it down to being a moody teenager and tried to put it all to the back of my mind. I went on with my everyday routines.. Going to school, doing homework, hanging out with my friends. The usual stuff a 15 year old does. But something just wasn't right.
Weeks and months past, this feeling wasn't going away. But I didn't tell anyone. I thought I was going mad. I didn't want to tell people in case they thought different of me. As time went on I had met new friends, been in relationships and not a single person knew the hell i was facing. That I went home every night and cried myself to sleep.
I will admit I did self harm. I'm not proud of it. But at the time I felt like it was the only way to help this pain I was feeling.
I went for a heart operation in 2006 and before the op I kept thinking to myself that when I went to sleep that hopefully I wouldn't wake up. Even though I was petrified.
I went for a heart operation in 2006 and before the op I kept thinking to myself that when I went to sleep that hopefully I wouldn't wake up. Even though I was petrified.
So weeks turned into months and then months into years. Still not a single person knew. I was hiding everything for so long I had perfected the art of lying. Behind every "I'm OK. ", was a girl screaming for someone to look into her eyes and see the pain she was going through. To save me. Save me from myself. I had a permanent mask on. Like nothing could ever bring me down. I never wanted anyone to see behind the mask. I never wanted anyone to see the once happy, outgoing girl.. Was now this miserable, broken, empty shell. Over the years there had been family problems and I didn't want to be another one. So I just bottled it up.
Now let me just say not everyday was a living nightmare. There were some good days but then there was some awful days. The awful days seems to weigh out the good.
So in 2011 it all came to a head.
I had moved in with my boyfriend and my friends, had started college, was working part time. Life should of been good. I had started to feel that darkness creep back in. But tried to fight back. One morning I woke up for college and I just didn't want to be me anymore. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't consentrate. The tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried. I was twenty years old. I should of been loving life but the way I felt... I didn't want my life anymore.
I had moved in with my boyfriend and my friends, had started college, was working part time. Life should of been good. I had started to feel that darkness creep back in. But tried to fight back. One morning I woke up for college and I just didn't want to be me anymore. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't consentrate. The tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried. I was twenty years old. I should of been loving life but the way I felt... I didn't want my life anymore.
Finally after so many years of keeping it in and pretending I was ok, I took off the mask. Looking at myself in the mirror I cried some more. I couldn't believe how this had changed me. How empty I felt. Craig finally saw it. The mess I had become. He knew after 2 years of been together that something was wrong. I finally told my parents. At first I think they just thought it was my hormones... So I decided to go to my GP and get his input on it. I sat in the doctors office and talk. Something I hadn't done for a long time. I cried. I couldn't stop. He knew straight away what was wrong . After 5 years of feeling like this, I was finally diagnosed with depression.
I was prescribed anti depressants..but it took me a while to come around to actually taking them. As I had the idea in my head that they would make me like a zombie. Eventually I started taking them. The first lot made me very sick so they were changed. Everything suffered. College, work, relationships. It had taken over my entire life.
After a couple of weeks I was starting to see a light at the end of tunnel. A notion that maybe everything could be normal again. And it did, well kind of. I came off my tablets just before my 21st in May 2012. Then I tried to stay off them because I thought I was stronger than depression.
I was on and off the tablets over the next year or so. They helped me get through from day to day but it was still always there. I had my bad days, where I thought it would be easier to end it. But there was always something there stopping me..
Last year i was in a bad place again. It got to the stage where I didn't care about anyone anymore. Not even myself. I started smoking and drinking excessively. Drinking so much that I couldn't feel. I wanted this misery to end. It was wrecking relationships I had with people. My own life I had gotten to much for me to handle again and I just pushed everyone away. But I found myself one night in a situation I would of never had been in if I just asked for help. This incident made me wake up and see what was going on. I knew then that I didn't want this. I didn't want to be like this anymore. Reality gave me a swift kick up the backside and I tried to sort myself out.
So it's now April 2014.. It was a long and tiring road but I'm still here. Still taking each day as it comes. Yeah I still have depression but I'm learning to deal with it. Weather that be getting outside and running that feeling out of me or actually talking to someone about how im feeling.
So to answer the question why depression came knocking on my door.. I still don't know why. i guess there doesn't have to be a reason. But I'm dealing with it.
To every person out there who is dealing with depression... Don't be afraid to talk. There's always someone there.
It helped me to get it down in black and white. Thank you for reading guys.
And thank you to those fantastic people who have already shared their stories. You are so brave and inspirational.
And thank you to those fantastic people who have already shared their stories. You are so brave and inspirational.
It is ok not to feel ok. "
So that was nearly a year ago, and what a fast year it has been. Its had its ups and downs but I think I have grown a lot because of it. I've had my battles over the last 12 months, some tougher than others. I have also made some of the best memories too. Last September I started back in college, finally doing something I absolutely love. So you could say things are looking up. I am still dealing with depression but i am not letting it beat me. I am finally starting to feel like I have a purpose and starting to see beyond tomorrow, something I could never do before. I'm thinking this could be my year! So here is to 2015 and all it has to offer.
:-)
Jamie
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1 comments
Well done for sharing such an emotive story of your battle! So many wear that same mask and we all struggle from time to time fighting against life's challenges! Glad to read you are doing well again x
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