GreySkiesAndSilverLinings: September 2015

The Girl Behind the Blog

13:55

Hey everyone, so I just realised that I never really did an intro blog post on this. I just assumed everyone knew me but as I have gained more followers over the last little while I thought I would re-introduce myself.

Ok, let's go back to the start. My name is Jamie Walsh. I'm a 24 year old girl from a little city in the south east of Ireland called Waterford. I only have one sibling, which is my sister Robyn ( I know, Jamie and Robyn are boys names). She's nearly 19.

Currently I am in college in Waterford College of Furture Eduction studying beauty therapy, which I have just started my second year. While I am on the subject of college, WCFE was not the first college I attended. In 2009, I sat my leaving cert and that September I started college in WIT, studying business. Why I started a business course I will never know. I never studied business in school. I kept at the course for the first year and then I dropped out as I had no interest in doing it. So I took a year out and work in Tk Maxx, where I am still working part time. During my year out I did a night course in WCFE, in hairdressing. And to be fair I enjoyed it. So I went on to start a full time course in hairdressing but unfortunately after Christmas I had become very ill. I was diagnosed with depression. So I then had to leave college. But I was given a second chance to go back to college that September and I did, for 4 weeks. And once again I ended up dropping out (Keep reading, it does get better).

Ok, so by then I had dropped out of college three time and was diagnosed with depression. Then I thought I had found the light at the end of tunnel. I became a team leader in work. Which I actually did enjoy. I worked as a team leader for around 18 months and then decided that it just wasn't me. I dropped back to working on the shop floor. So I had a bit of spare time on my hands and decided I would try the introduction to beauty therapy in WCFE. And I LOVED it!

(Now this is where my story gets a little bit better).

I applied for the full time course in WCFE and I got in. I finally found what I want to do (I think). So May just gone I sat my end of year exams and thankfully I passed them all! This was a huge thing for me, as you all know now, because I never actually finished a full year of college. To say I was proud of myself was an understatement. So now I am into my second year and I am loving it all so much already. Finally.

Right that's enough about college for now. A few people have asked me why did I set up my blog. Well, the reason I set it up was because I wanted to share the ups and downs that I am going to face on this road I am currently on. I want to speak about my own mental health and mental health in general. I want to talk about the industry I am currently training in. I want to talk about everyday life. My blog is for me to express myself. I know a lot of people say this, but it's not to get a million followers, to be in a popularity contest with people or to get free stuff. And that's the truth. I want to help people as much as I can. Whether that be a blog post about anxiety or a silly little photo to share.

As most people already know, my dad passed away this month. Dad was my biggest advocate for my blog and when he passed away I was going to give up on it. But I haven't. He would of wanted me to continue with it and help as many people as I could.

My blog is called "Grey skies and silver linings" and the reason I picked that name was because I had gone through a lot in my life and even though I haven't had an easy time, I'm still here. And that is or should I said was my "silver lining". But my blog now has a total different meaning for me. My dad is now my "silver lining".

And that's it folks! I don't want to bore you guys anymore. That's basically my life in a little summary. So I hope you have a better insight into the girl behind the blog.

Thanks for reading.

J x

Cardiac arrest

The first 24 years of my life

01:09

How do I put 24 years of my life down in black & white?

Eddie was such an outgoing and positive man in every sense of the word. Anyone who knows him can vouch for that. He always looked out for number one, which to him was everybody else. He would drop everything to help someone, whether they were close to him or not. Always making sure everyone else was OK before worrying about himself. That was one of his traits that people loved about him. He was always there to lend a hand if things were tough or if anyone needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. Eddie touched so many peoples lives and he probably didn't even know. A "true gentleman" is what people are calling him and that is exactly what he was.

Eddie was so passionate about politics as most people know. God, he used to drive me nuts at home about it, especially the water charges. But he wasn't afraid to have his voice heard and express his opinion. As so many people keep saying he "He was a fighter for the cause" and that could not be more true.

Eddie loved cycling. He started cycling to get back fit as his knees were fecked from road running for years. So he took up cycling to get healthier and lose weight. But over time it became such a huge part of his life. If I got home and he wasn't there, he was more than likely out on the bike. Last year Eddie started taking part in charity cycles and he just love it. He was doing two things he felt so passionate about, cycling and helping others. This year he even took part in "The Sean Kelly Tour of Waterford" & I could not have been more proud of him.

Saturday the 5th of September, Eddie went on a charity cycle "The GAZ Cycle" for the charity CRY (Cardiac Risk in the Young). Below is a picture taken at the Woodlands Hotel in Waterford before the cycle began. Eddie is to the right of the guy in the florescent top. He is wearing his cycling glasses, with his thumbs up. He could not have been happier.

But unfortunately Eddie never got to finish the cycle. On that beautiful Saturday morning my dad's heart took it's last beat. Eddie passed away doing what he loved and had an amazing friend by his side.

Eddie was known for all these things and so much more. But to me, he was my dad. My superhero. My problem solver. He was the best father anyone could ever want or need. He was right there for me and my sister and he supported us 100% in everything we did. So many people have spoke over the past few weeks about how much dad loved me and Robyn, how he never stopped talking about us. But the thing is we know. We both know how much he loved and cared about us because he showed it every single day. He was the person we both rang if something went wrong or we needed help to get through something. But it's now that we need to ring him and ask him what do we do now because he's meant to tell us what the next step is. Even now we both are still waiting for the phone to ring and he'll be on the other end.

Dad was Robyn's number one fan when it came to all the show's she was in. He was at every single one of them and made sure he had the best seat to see his incredible daughter on stage and now he does, he has the best seat in the house. Dad always told us he would love to be in panto. He would have us in the knots trying to do impressions, which to be fair weren't all that bad. He always wanted to be involved in Theatrebox stage school as much as he could. He walked in the St.Patrick's Day parade with the school taking photographs for them. Dad was also thinking about joining the adult acting classes. Now that would of been something to see. He was so proud of Robyn, watching her grow with confidence on the stage as the years went on. He supported her the whole way.
Dad gave Robyn an incredible and unforgettable 18 years of her life, that she is never going to forget.

As for me, what can I say. I've not only lost my dad, I've also lost my best friend. To be honest, i don't know what I'm going to do without him. Myself and dad were very similar as most already know. We used to be effin' and blinding at each other one minute and laughing about it ten minutes later. That's why I think we had such a close relationship because we were both so similar. And i loved that. Not many people can say their dad was their best friend, but i can and I am so proud to be able to say it.

In 2011, I finally came out about having a mental illness. Dad was the first person I told and he could not have been more supportive. He even came into the doctor with me when it all came out. And never left my side. Dad helped me so much, more than he probably ever knew.

In 2013 I had spoke publicly about suffering with depression in silence since I was 15. I wrote a blog post about what I went through and again, dad could not of done enough for me. He was 100% behind me and was so proud of me for doing it.
Last month I decided I would set up a new blog about my journey over the next couple of months in my last year of college and everything else in between. My dad was my biggest advocate when it came to my blog especially this one now. He brought me off one or two times to take photographs with his camera for it. He was the one who pushed me to keep going with it and when he passed away I was going to throw in the towel but I knew he wouldn't of wanted me to do that.
So here I am now typing up my first blog post in weeks and the irony of it is, that it's about him. My dad. When I choose the name of my blog "Grey Skies and Silver Linings" I never thought the name would mean as much to me as it does now.

So as I said before, how do I put 24 years of my life in black and white? The answer is, I can't. I could never do it because there is just so many memories that I am going to treasure for the rest of my life. That are too precious to put down.

I am not one to say goodbye, i never have been.

My whole life has been turned upside down and the pain is just as bad as it was nearly a month ago. But I know he's not far away and is with me everyday, giving me the strength to take on this tough journey.

So dad, this is not "goodbye". It's just "see you soon".

Sleep tight my angel. I love you to the moon and back.

J x

depression

Seeing beyond tomorrow (March2015)

04:07

This is a blog I posted nearly a year ago about my struggle with depression. I just wanted to share this again for people who might be feeling the way I felt. Please feel free to share.

"Lately a few people have come out and told their story about having depression. The bravery of those people has given me the courage to tell mine.

People who know me will know a lot about me but not everything. Looking in I probably to some people, have a fairly comfy life. Always had it handy. I guess they would be right in a way. I have been blessed with a lot of things. So why did that scary word "depression" come knocking on my door...

It all started back in 2006. I was 15. I woke up one morning feeling down and out. I just put it down to being a moody teenager and tried to put it all to the back of my mind. I went on with my everyday routines.. Going to school, doing homework, hanging out with my friends. The usual stuff a 15 year old does. But something just wasn't right.

Weeks and months past, this feeling wasn't going away. But I didn't tell anyone. I thought I was going mad. I didn't want to tell people in case they thought different of me. As time went on I had met new friends, been in relationships and not a single person knew the hell i was facing. That I went home every night and cried myself to sleep.

I will admit I did self harm. I'm not proud of it. But at the time I felt like it was the only way to help this pain I was feeling.
I went for a heart operation in 2006 and before the op I kept thinking to myself that when I went to sleep that hopefully I wouldn't wake up. Even though I was petrified.

So weeks turned into months and then months into years. Still not a single person knew. I was hiding everything for so long I had perfected the art of lying. Behind every "I'm OK. ", was a girl screaming for someone to look into her eyes and see the pain she was going through. To save me. Save me from myself. I had a permanent mask on. Like nothing could ever bring me down. I never wanted anyone to see behind the mask. I never wanted anyone to see the once happy, outgoing girl.. Was now this miserable, broken, empty shell. Over the years there had been family problems and I didn't want to be another one. So I just bottled it up.

Now let me just say not everyday was a living nightmare. There were some good days but then there was some awful days. The awful days seems to weigh out the good.

So in 2011 it all came to a head.
I had moved in with my boyfriend and my friends, had started college, was working part time. Life should of been good. I had started to feel that darkness creep back in. But tried to fight back. One morning I woke up for college and I just didn't want to be me anymore. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't consentrate. The tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried. I was twenty years old. I should of been loving life but the way I felt... I didn't want my life anymore.

Finally after so many years of keeping it in and pretending I was ok, I took off the mask. Looking at myself in the mirror I cried some more. I couldn't believe how this had changed me. How empty I felt. Craig finally saw it. The mess I had become. He knew after 2 years of been together that something was wrong. I finally told my parents. At first I think they just thought it was my hormones... So I decided to go to my GP and get his input on it. I sat in the doctors office and talk. Something I hadn't done for a long time. I cried. I couldn't stop. He knew straight away what was wrong . After 5 years of feeling like this, I was finally diagnosed with depression.

I was prescribed anti depressants..but it took me a while to come around to actually taking them. As I had the idea in my head that they would make me like a zombie. Eventually I started taking them. The first lot made me very sick so they were changed. Everything suffered. College, work, relationships. It had taken over my entire life.

After a couple of weeks I was starting to see a light at the end of tunnel. A notion that maybe everything could be normal again. And it did, well kind of. I came off my tablets just before my 21st in May 2012. Then I tried to stay off them because I thought I was stronger than depression.

I was on and off the tablets over the next year or so. They helped me get through from day to day but it was still always there. I had my bad days, where I thought it would be easier to end it. But there was always something there stopping me..

Last year i was in a bad place again. It got to the stage where I didn't care about anyone anymore. Not even myself. I started smoking and drinking excessively. Drinking so much that I couldn't feel. I wanted this misery to end. It was wrecking relationships I had with people. My own life I had gotten to much for me to handle again and I just pushed everyone away. But I found myself one night in a situation I would of never had been in if I just asked for help. This incident made me wake up and see what was going on. I knew then that I didn't want this. I didn't want to be like this anymore. Reality gave me a swift kick up the backside and I tried to sort myself out.

So it's now April 2014.. It was a long and tiring road but I'm still here. Still taking each day as it comes. Yeah I still have depression but I'm learning to deal with it. Weather that be getting outside and running that feeling out of me or actually talking to someone about how im feeling.

So to answer the question why depression came knocking on my door.. I still don't know why. i guess there doesn't have to be a reason. But I'm dealing with it.

To every person out there who is dealing with depression... Don't be afraid to talk. There's always someone there.

It helped me to get it down in black and white. Thank you for reading guys.
And thank you to those fantastic people who have already shared their stories. You are so brave and inspirational.

It is ok not to feel ok. "

So that was nearly a year ago, and what a fast year it has been. Its had its ups and downs but I think I have grown a lot because of it. I've had my battles over the last 12 months, some tougher than others. I have also made some of the best memories too. Last September I started back in college, finally doing something I absolutely love. So you could say things are looking up. I am still dealing with depression but i am not letting it beat me. I am finally starting to feel like I have a purpose and starting to see beyond tomorrow, something I could never do before. I'm thinking this could be my year! So here is to 2015 and all it has to offer.

:-)

Jamie

anxiety

Conquering My Fear

14:50

Hey everyone,

So in the last week I finally conquered a huge fear of mine. I kept trying to put it off and avoid it but I finally built up the courage and got over it. Go me! You're probably wondering what my fear was. Well sure, I might as well tell you.

As a few of you guys know, I suffered in silence for 5 years with mental health issues. But in 2011 I finally sought help. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of it in this blog post as I am going to post a separate blog post about mental health in the coming days. But I posted a blog in 2014, openly speaking about my depression.

Along with having depression, I also suffer with anxiety. Some people might notice it and then others might not. But this plays a huge part in my life on a daily basis. So for me, this is why conquering one of my fears was a huge deal for me.
Days leading up to this "mountain" i was going to climb, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep properly, I couldn't eat properly, I couldn't even think properly. I kept telling myself that I wasn't going through with it. That I was mad. I thought up every excuse I could think of not to do it. I kept thinking what people would think of me and that everyone would laugh at me. I was sick with worry.

So when D-day had finally arrived, I was petrified. I had picked up Craig on the way and he came with me. I needed moral support and a shove out of the car. I got to the car park and parked the car. Looked at Craig and told him I couldn't do it. At this point I was sweating and shaking out. After a couple of minutes I got out and started walking towards the door. My legs were like jelly. My heart thumping in my chest. I genuinely felt like I was going to pass out. I got to the door and followed Craig in. I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. Once I was inside I was handed a sheet with different types of questions and ask to fill it in. When I was finished I signed my name to it. And that was it, I was after joining the gym.

Bet you were expecting something a lot worse, right? For some people conquering a fear is jumping out of a plane or bungee jumping. Mine was the gym. A bloody building. Some of you might think it's silly and stupid but for me it was a massive thing. The thought of being in a room with more than one person scares me at the best of times but to be in a room with loads of people at once and feeling like they are looking at you and judging you, well that just terrified me. But it was all just me over thinking everything and thinking about the worse case scenario first. Nobody even looks at you in there because I guess everyone has their own reasons to be there.

I never thought I would hear myself say it but, I love the gym. Absolutely love it. It is by far the best decision I have made in a very long time. It is helping me in so many different ways. Physically and mentally. I honestly should have done it sooner.

For me, this was a huge step and by god I am proud of me. So here's to a healthier me!

J x

GreySkiesAndSilverLinings

The Girl Behind the Blog

The first 24 years of my life

Seeing beyond tomorrow (March2015)

Conquering My Fear

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