GreySkiesAndSilverLinings

Hey everyone,

So in the last week I finally conquered a huge fear of mine. I kept trying to put it off and avoid it but I finally built up the courage and got over it. Go me! You're probably wondering what my fear was. Well sure, I might as well tell you.

As a few of you guys know, I suffered in silence for 5 years with mental health issues. But in 2011 I finally sought help.  I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of it in this blog post as I am going to post a separate blog post about mental health in the coming days. But I posted a blog in 2014, openly speaking about my depression.

Along with having depression, I also suffer with anxiety. Some people might notice it and then others might not. But this plays a huge part in my life on a daily basis. So for me, this is why conquering one of my fears was a huge deal for me. 
Days leading up to this "mountain" i was going to climb, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep properly, I couldn't eat properly, I couldn't even think properly. I kept telling myself that I wasn't going through with it. That I was mad. I thought up every excuse I could think of not to do it. I kept thinking what people would think of me and that everyone would laugh at me. I was sick with worry.

So when D-day had finally arrived, I was petrified. I had picked up Craig on the way and he came with me. I needed moral support and a shove out of the car. I got to the car park and parked the car. Looked at Craig and told him I couldn't do it. At this point I was sweating and shaking out. After a couple of minutes I got out and started walking towards the door. My legs were like jelly. My heart thumping in my chest. I genuinely felt like I was going to pass out. I got to the door and followed Craig in. I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. Once I was inside I was handed a sheet with different types of questions and ask to fill it in. When I was finished I signed my name to it. And that was it, I was after joining the gym.

Bet you were expecting something a lot worse, right? For some people conquering a fear is jumping out of a plane or bungee jumping. Mine was the gym. A bloody building. Some of you might think it's silly and stupid but for me it was a massive thing. The thought of being in a room with more than one person scares me at the best of times but to be in a room with loads of people at once and feeling like they are looking at you and judging you, well that just terrified me. But it was all just me over thinking everything and thinking about the worse case scenario first. Nobody even looks at you in there because I guess everyone has their own reasons to be there.

I never thought I would hear myself say it but, I love the gym. Absolutely love it. It is by far the best decision I have made in a very long time. It is helping me in so many different ways. Physically and mentally. I honestly should have done it sooner.

For me, this was a huge step and by god I am proud of me. So here's to a healthier me!

J x