The shouting and screaming matches that seem to happen everyday, give me a constant headache. It gets louder and louder, and never seems to stop. Some days she can be nice and she keeps her opinions to herself but some days she is a heartless cow. No one can hear the doubting prompts or the constant criticising she loves to do, only me. No one hears how she belittles me and makes me feel so empty. No one hears it because that she, is me. The constant shouting and screaming is me, in my own head. Doubting everything and criticising my every action.
Anxiety has always been a part of my life, whether or not I wanted it to be. Being anxious 99.9% of the time is tiring. Constantly over thinking situations that have not happened yet and over analyzing every aspect of my life. Walking from my car to college is a huge thing every morning. Passing people on the street makes me panic. Even being in a situation with more than two or three people makes me feel ill. My chest gets tight and I feel like I can't breathe. It's such a horrible feeling and feeling it take over and not being able to control it makes it harder.
So for me, having anxiety is where you worry about the future so much, even though it that hasn't even happened yet. Feeling so overwhelmed around people and physically not feeling well. Then have depression, that is the opposite end of the spectrum. Feeling so low and hopeless, not being able to concentrate, finding it hard to see beyond tomorrow. The list goes on for both of these for me. But having both of these is so exhausting. Trying to deal with this everyday is so tiring.
Everyday I fight a battle, a battle I feel like I am never going to win. Around four years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I pretended for five years that I was okay and I was so good at it. Not a soul knew the struggle I faced everyday. But four years ago, I finally had the courage to go seek help. And I'm so glad that I did. People think there is some sort of weakness in asking for help. There isn't! Asking for help shows strength. It shows that you are finally brave enough to speak about how you are feeling. And that alone is a huge step.
Having depression is one thing but having anxiety as well, well that's a different ball game altogether.
Three weeks ago I was put on tablets for anxiety.
Anxiety has always been a part of my life, whether or not I wanted it to be. Being anxious 99.9% of the time is tiring. Constantly over thinking situations that have not happened yet and over analyzing every aspect of my life. Walking from my car to college is a huge thing every morning. Passing people on the street makes me panic. Even being in a situation with more than two or three people makes me feel ill. My chest gets tight and I feel like I can't breathe. It's such a horrible feeling and feeling it take over and not being able to control it makes it harder.
But as most people know, I'm not one to just give up and throw in the towel. Yeah everyday is a struggle in it's self but I'm taking each day on and giving it the best shot I can.
Every morning when I wake up it's a battle and some days I am very close to surrendering but I can't! Because I'm fighting a war against myself, and I am going to win!
Thanks so much for reading everyone, this is just a brief post about my struggle with both anxiety and depression. Feel free to share.
J x
