GreySkiesAndSilverLinings

Hi guys, hope everyone is well.

I have been super quite on social media the past few weeks and 

it has certainly been a while since I had a blog post up. 

In this post I am going to talk about why I have been silent on my social media platforms and why I have decided that it is time to start putting me first.

So I guess i'll start back at the start...

As you all know now, my dad died suddenly last September and it has taken a huge toll on my life. I am very good at pretending that I am ok & its only people who are close to me that really know the extent of how I am feeling. As I have said in previous posts, my dad was my best friend & the person I confided in. To have that person taken from me with no warning, has left a void in my life. Talking to friends and family about my dad was helping to a certain extent but I knew I needed to take that one step further. So I decided that it was time to speak to a professional. I built up the courage and started attending bereavement counselling.

Now can I just say that I was totally anti-counselling. I attended counselling when i was younger and I felt it was a waste of time. I felt no better after I went, to be honest I felt worse. So after dad passed away, I went to my GP who prescribed me new medication for my anxiety and he said then about attending counselling but I just brushed it off. From previous experience, i knew it wasn't for me. Well thats what I thought. 

A couple of months on my new medication & I felt no better. I started to feel worse. So back to my GP I went, where he prescribed me new medication. Again, he mentioned the counselling to me but this time something clicked with me. Nobody was going to make me feel better only me. I had to start wanting to help myself. And thats what I did. 

So this was the start of me putting myself first. Since dad passed away I felt like I was constantly doing things for others and felt like I had no time for me. And it was making it harder for me to process not having my dad here.

Going into a complete stranger gave me some sort of relieve. That I could say what I wanted and say how I actually felt without having to worry about what other people thought. My first session kind of went the way I expected it to go. I bawled! I cried more or less for the whole hour. I knew I was going to get upset because even now when I talk about dad, I get this lump in my throat. After my first session I was a right-off. I was emotionally drained for days after it, but i needed it. I needed to cry. I needed for someone to just sit there and just listen to me. 

My second and third session, I didn't cry. I just talked about my dad and other aspects of my life that led to my depression and anxiety. No matter what anyone says, talking does help. My forth session was the last one I have had to date as I was away on holidays and I think it was the hardest one of them all. It was the Tuesday after Fathers Day & I was still upset about not being able to celebrate the day with dad. This was the session I dreaded but knew I would have to face eventually. I spoke in detail about the lead up to my fathers death, the during and the after. It was by far the hardest conversation I had in that room. Reliving the whole thing over again. It made me feel ill. But the counsellor has determined that I am going through trauma right now. I still haven't reached the grieving stage. Which terrifies me in a way, because I feel like absolute shite right now & it's only going to get worse before it gets better. But the one thing she did say & she is 100% right, I need to start putting myself first and doing things for me, because you can't look after anyone else if you are not 100% yourself. 

So I have taken her advice and slowly but surely I am putting myself first. Which leads me on to the next difficult decision I had to make over the last few weeks. It was a question, that only since losing my dad, has been playing on my mind. Where am I going with my life? I am 25 years old, working since I was 16 & currently working in a retail company for the last 7 years but not being able to see beyond that. That depressed me. I wanted to take the leap and start something new but my job was a safety net. I always questioned it, What if I leave and can't find a job? What if my new job only last a couple of months? What if I don't have enough money to live on? There was always the WHAT IF! 

There's a quote that I have always loved and its...

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone".

Even though I love that quote I was never able to live by it because I was stuck in my comfort zone. But something gave me that kick up the behind that I needed to take that leap & thats exactly what I did. After 7 years, I finally grew a pair and handed in my noticed. To say I was petrified is an understatement but after it was done, i felt like a new women! It was time to close a chapter of my life and start a new one. & thats exactly what I have done.  

So, am I happy I gave counselling another try? 

Most definitely.

Do I regret taking that leap out of my comfort zone? 

Not one bit!

So there you have it folks! 

The reason for my silence over the last while but I am back. I am ready for the next chapter for Jamie May! 

*If you've enjoyed this post give it a little like ;)*

Thanks for reading,

JamieMay X

It's 24 year old you. How're you coping? Stressed out from studying for your junior cert? I thought so. It's a tough year for you. Couple of weeks now you will get that long awaited heart operation. About time, right? But don't stress, it will all be fine. And the junior cert? You'll fly it, trust me I know. But this is the year everything starts to change. That darkness you're feeling inside right now, it's creeping in a little bit more each day. Sleepless nights will start soon too. Don't try and fight it, there's no point. Being a 15 year old girl is tough but trust me, that's not the problem. Just remember I said that. 

Everyday I fight a battle, a battle I feel like I am never going to win. Around four years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I pretended for five years that I was okay and I was so good at it. Not a soul knew the struggle I faced everyday.  But four years ago, I finally had the courage to go seek help. And I'm so glad that I did. People think there is some sort of weakness in asking for help. There isn't! Asking for help shows strength. It shows that you are finally brave enough to speak about how you are feeling. And that alone is a huge step. 

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, whether or not I wanted it to be. Being anxious 99.9% of the time is tiring. Constantly over thinking situations that have not happened yet and over analyzing every aspect of my life. Walking from my car to college is a huge thing every morning. Passing people on the street makes me panic. Even being in a situation with more than two or three people makes me feel ill. My chest gets tight and I feel like I can't breathe. It's such a horrible feeling and feeling it take over and not being able to control it makes it harder. 
So for me, having anxiety is where you worry about the future so much, even though it that hasn't even happened yet. Feeling so overwhelmed around people and physically not feeling well. Then have depression, that is the opposite end of the spectrum. Feeling so low and hopeless, not being able to concentrate, finding it hard to see beyond tomorrow. The list goes on for both of these for me. But having both of these is so exhausting. Trying to deal with this everyday is so tiring.