GreySkiesAndSilverLinings: anxiety

Dealing With Grief

15:42

How's everyone doing? Hard to believe we are into May already, feels like yesterday was Christmas.

So this post is something a bit different. It's not beauty related & it's probably something not everyone is going to want to read, but that's OK. Can't win em' all.

Losing a parent, for me, is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. Growing up and even now as a "grown up", I always expected both my parents to be around forever. But sadly that isn't the case. As you all know by now, my dad passed away suddenly last September from a heart attack. When children say "My dad/mam are my best friend" that statement could not have been more accurate. Growing up, I was always a daddy's girl. Me and my dad did so much together. He was, as cheesy as it sounds, the first man I ever loved and trusted. He was superman. If ever there was trouble, dad would always sort it. He was always my rock and the person I confided in. He knew my deepest secrets and I knew I could tell him anything and he would never judge me. And he never did. I always imagined the day I got married and the scenario that would take place before we walked down the isle. And how he would have made some stupid joke to distract me from my anxiety before entering a room full of people. Or how amazing a grandad he would make and how my children would idolize him like I always did. As I sit and type this now, I have tears both of sadness and happiness in my eyes. Sadness , knowing I will never have any of those things and happiness, knowing how amazing he would have been.

Nothing in life can prepare you for a loved ones death. And there is certainly not a thing in this world that can prepare you for a sudden death.

The smallest bit of comfort I found was knowing my dad didn't suffer. He was in no pain and knew no different when it all happened. For me, he was always invincible. No matter what life through at him, he kept going.

People seem to think I am dealing with my dad dying fairly well. They could not be more wrong. My whole world has been turned upside down and I don't know whether I am coming or going. The first week after dad died, I didn't eat. I would pick at things but I could not stomach food. Every time I thought about what had happened, I just wanted to throw up. Even now, 8 months down the road, I still feel the same way. My appetite has improved but there are times where it all comes flooding back and I want to vomit and this could last for days.

I constantly question why he was taken from us. And it angers and upsets me every time. There is such horrible, nasty people out there. So why him? One of the good ones. But I'm starting to believe that your life is mapped out for you and if it's going to happen, it will happen. But trying to deal with all of this is something I'm still struggling with. Dealing with the fact he was here and two hours later he was gone. Or the fact that he was perfect that morning. Or how I'm going to make it through my life knowing I'll never see him again. These are all things that I never thought I would be dealing with at 24.

My Best Friend x

Ok, so you're probably wondering if this post is called "Dealing With Grief", why am I not talking about dealing with it. And here's why. I don't know how. I don't know how you "deal" with grief. Because to be honest, eight months on I'm still trying to deal with it. Someone passing away, whether it be a parent, a partner, a friend, it doesn't matter, you don't just get over that person dying. And no matter what people say, you grieve for as long as you need to. There's no time limit.

Some might say that I am dealing with it but for me, I'm just taking it one day at a time because if I didn't I think I would be in a worse mental situation than I'm already in. The one thing I will say that helps, family & friends. If it wasn't for a certain few, I honestly do not know what I would have done.

Sums up our relationship with our dad x

So that's my two cents on grief. I don't think anyone knows how to actually deal with the passing of a loved one.

Thanks for reading guys, means a lot to me.

JamieMay

Twitter

Facebook

Snapchat-

JamieMayBeauty

Youtube

Instagram

anxiety

Love, Sincerely Me

08:02

Dear 15 year old me,

It's 24 year old you. How're you coping? Stressed out from studying for your junior cert? I thought so. It's a tough year for you. Couple of weeks now you will get that long awaited heart operation. About time, right? But don't stress, it will all be fine. And the junior cert? You'll fly it, trust me I know. But this is the year everything starts to change. That darkness you're feeling inside right now, it's creeping in a little bit more each day. Sleepless nights will start soon too. Don't try and fight it, there's no point. Being a 15 year old girl is tough but trust me, that's not the problem. Just remember I said that.

You're already waking up every morning and wishing the rest of your life away. But please don't. That metal object in your hand? Yeah that one, put it down. It might feel like it's helping but trust me, it's not. You are so much stronger than you think. I promise you that.

Boys? You are going to meet a couple along the way. But don't cry because it ended, smile because it happened. Think of every experience as a lesson. You'll get through it. And don't worry you'll meet the right one. He may be a lot closer than you think.

I wish I could say the next nine years of your life are going to be easy, but they aren't. The next 5 years will be tough but you need to ask for help. Don't be afraid or ashamed. It's okay not feel okay, I promise. But once you get passed that, life will start to seem a bit brighter. You are going to face some very dark days, but look, I'm 24 now and still here.

There's going to be some ups and downs in your twenties but you have now, and will have such fantastic people around you. Just don't forget about them.

Appreciate people more. Because trust me, I always thought the ones we love the most will be around forever, but they won't. That person who you tell all your secrets to, appreciate that person and show them how much you love and care about them each day. Promise me you will? Promise me you will live everyday likes its your last? Life is too precious and too short. Unfortunately you will learn this the hard way. You are so strong and you don't even know it yet. But you will!

Writing this letter to you and thinking back over the last 9 years of our life, I'm really proud of you. And I probably don't give you enough credit. You are going to go through so much and you will take it head on. But believe me, it will all be worth it. You do have a reason to be here, even though now you think you don't. Just remember, I'm 24 now and I'm still here. Still fighting.

Don't give up!

Love, sincerely me

anxiety

Fighting A War Against Myself

15:07

The shouting and screaming matches that seem to happen everyday, give me a constant headache. It gets louder and louder, and never seems to stop. Some days she can be nice and she keeps her opinions to herself but some days she is a heartless cow. No one can hear the doubting prompts or the constant criticising she loves to do, only me. No one hears how she belittles me and makes me feel so empty. No one hears it because that she, is me. The constant shouting and screaming is me, in my own head. Doubting everything and criticising my every action.

Everyday I fight a battle, a battle I feel like I am never going to win. Around four years ago I was diagnosed with depression. I pretended for five years that I was okay and I was so good at it. Not a soul knew the struggle I faced everyday. But four years ago, I finally had the courage to go seek help. And I'm so glad that I did. People think there is some sort of weakness in asking for help. There isn't! Asking for help shows strength. It shows that you are finally brave enough to speak about how you are feeling. And that alone is a huge step.

Having depression is one thing but having anxiety as well, well that's a different ball game altogether.

Three weeks ago I was put on tablets for anxiety.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life, whether or not I wanted it to be. Being anxious 99.9% of the time is tiring. Constantly over thinking situations that have not happened yet and over analyzing every aspect of my life. Walking from my car to college is a huge thing every morning. Passing people on the street makes me panic. Even being in a situation with more than two or three people makes me feel ill. My chest gets tight and I feel like I can't breathe. It's such a horrible feeling and feeling it take over and not being able to control it makes it harder.

So for me, having anxiety is where you worry about the future so much, even though it that hasn't even happened yet. Feeling so overwhelmed around people and physically not feeling well. Then have depression, that is the opposite end of the spectrum. Feeling so low and hopeless, not being able to concentrate, finding it hard to see beyond tomorrow. The list goes on for both of these for me. But having both of these is so exhausting. Trying to deal with this everyday is so tiring.

But as most people know, I'm not one to just give up and throw in the towel. Yeah everyday is a struggle in it's self but I'm taking each day on and giving it the best shot I can.

Every morning when I wake up it's a battle and some days I am very close to surrendering but I can't! Because I'm fighting a war against myself, and I am going to win!

Thanks so much for reading everyone, this is just a brief post about my struggle with both anxiety and depression. Feel free to share.

J x

anxiety

Conquering My Fear

14:50

Hey everyone,

So in the last week I finally conquered a huge fear of mine. I kept trying to put it off and avoid it but I finally built up the courage and got over it. Go me! You're probably wondering what my fear was. Well sure, I might as well tell you.

As a few of you guys know, I suffered in silence for 5 years with mental health issues. But in 2011 I finally sought help. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of it in this blog post as I am going to post a separate blog post about mental health in the coming days. But I posted a blog in 2014, openly speaking about my depression.

Along with having depression, I also suffer with anxiety. Some people might notice it and then others might not. But this plays a huge part in my life on a daily basis. So for me, this is why conquering one of my fears was a huge deal for me.
Days leading up to this "mountain" i was going to climb, I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep properly, I couldn't eat properly, I couldn't even think properly. I kept telling myself that I wasn't going through with it. That I was mad. I thought up every excuse I could think of not to do it. I kept thinking what people would think of me and that everyone would laugh at me. I was sick with worry.

So when D-day had finally arrived, I was petrified. I had picked up Craig on the way and he came with me. I needed moral support and a shove out of the car. I got to the car park and parked the car. Looked at Craig and told him I couldn't do it. At this point I was sweating and shaking out. After a couple of minutes I got out and started walking towards the door. My legs were like jelly. My heart thumping in my chest. I genuinely felt like I was going to pass out. I got to the door and followed Craig in. I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. Once I was inside I was handed a sheet with different types of questions and ask to fill it in. When I was finished I signed my name to it. And that was it, I was after joining the gym.

Bet you were expecting something a lot worse, right? For some people conquering a fear is jumping out of a plane or bungee jumping. Mine was the gym. A bloody building. Some of you might think it's silly and stupid but for me it was a massive thing. The thought of being in a room with more than one person scares me at the best of times but to be in a room with loads of people at once and feeling like they are looking at you and judging you, well that just terrified me. But it was all just me over thinking everything and thinking about the worse case scenario first. Nobody even looks at you in there because I guess everyone has their own reasons to be there.

I never thought I would hear myself say it but, I love the gym. Absolutely love it. It is by far the best decision I have made in a very long time. It is helping me in so many different ways. Physically and mentally. I honestly should have done it sooner.

For me, this was a huge step and by god I am proud of me. So here's to a healthier me!

J x

GreySkiesAndSilverLinings

Putting Me First

Dealing With Grief

Love, Sincerely Me

Fighting A War Against Myself

Conquering My Fear

About me

Follow Us

Press

Labels

recent posts

Blog Archive

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images