How's everyone doing? Hard to believe we are into May already, feels like yesterday was Christmas.
So this post is something a bit different. It's not beauty related & it's probably something not everyone is going to want to read, but that's OK. Can't win em' all.
Losing a parent, for me, is one of the hardest things I have ever had to face. Growing up and even now as a "grown up", I always expected both my parents to be around forever. But sadly that isn't the case. As you all know by now, my dad passed away suddenly last September from a heart attack. When children say "My dad/mam are my best friend" that statement could not have been more accurate. Growing up, I was always a daddy's girl. Me and my dad did so much together. He was, as cheesy as it sounds, the first man I ever loved and trusted. He was superman. If ever there was trouble, dad would always sort it. He was always my rock and the person I confided in. He knew my deepest secrets and I knew I could tell him anything and he would never judge me. And he never did. I always imagined the day I got married and the scenario that would take place before we walked down the isle. And how he would have made some stupid joke to distract me from my anxiety before entering a room full of people. Or how amazing a grandad he would make and how my children would idolize him like I always did. As I sit and type this now, I have tears both of sadness and happiness in my eyes. Sadness , knowing I will never have any of those things and happiness, knowing how amazing he would have been.
Nothing in life can prepare you for a loved ones death. And there is certainly not a thing in this world that can prepare you for a sudden death.
The smallest bit of comfort I found was knowing my dad didn't suffer. He was in no pain and knew no different when it all happened. For me, he was always invincible. No matter what life through at him, he kept going.
People seem to think I am dealing with my dad dying fairly well. They could not be more wrong. My whole world has been turned upside down and I don't know whether I am coming or going. The first week after dad died, I didn't eat. I would pick at things but I could not stomach food. Every time I thought about what had happened, I just wanted to throw up. Even now, 8 months down the road, I still feel the same way. My appetite has improved but there are times where it all comes flooding back and I want to vomit and this could last for days.
I constantly question why he was taken from us. And it angers and upsets me every time. There is such horrible, nasty people out there. So why him? One of the good ones. But I'm starting to believe that your life is mapped out for you and if it's going to happen, it will happen. But trying to deal with all of this is something I'm still struggling with. Dealing with the fact he was here and two hours later he was gone. Or the fact that he was perfect that morning. Or how I'm going to make it through my life knowing I'll never see him again. These are all things that I never thought I would be dealing with at 24.
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| My Best Friend x |
Ok, so you're probably wondering if this post is called "Dealing With Grief", why am I not talking about dealing with it. And here's why. I don't know how. I don't know how you "deal" with grief. Because to be honest, eight months on I'm still trying to deal with it. Someone passing away, whether it be a parent, a partner, a friend, it doesn't matter, you don't just get over that person dying. And no matter what people say, you grieve for as long as you need to. There's no time limit.
Some might say that I am dealing with it but for me, I'm just taking it one day at a time because if I didn't I think I would be in a worse mental situation than I'm already in. The one thing I will say that helps, family & friends. If it wasn't for a certain few, I honestly do not know what I would have done.
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| Sums up our relationship with our dad x |
So that's my two cents on grief. I don't think anyone knows how to actually deal with the passing of a loved one.
Thanks for reading guys, means a lot to me.
